BRING IT ON!     

Sometimes readers write in with questions that I’m sure a LOT of you might ask. So every week, I’ll post a letter or two with my best answers.  I hope that will help you dance through your tween years.

IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME, PLEASE EMAIL ME AT

NNRUE@HUGHES.NET

THE NEXT 20 GIRLZ TO SEND A LETTER WILL RECEIVE A

FAITHGIRLZ BRACELET!!!

Dear Nancy,

I just checked out this really cool book from my school library.My friends wanted to see it so I let them look at it while I was talking to my teacher. When I went to leave the classroom it wasn't there and I asked my friends
where it was. They said they put it right back where they were looking at it, but I don't believe them. I think they have it but I'm not positive. It's a big book and I don't want to pay for losing it. I don't know what to do.(Also today someone stole my favorite pen.)

From,

Kelly, age 10, 5th grade

Dear Kelly,

Thank you so much for writing. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope I can give you some thoughts that will help you solve the problem.

I think the first thing to do is make sure the book is really missing. Ask your friends to help you search the classroom. Check at the library to see if someone returned it. If it's truly just been misplaced, it will turn up. If someone did take it (who knows why people do the things they do, right?) that person might have an attack of conscience and produce the book, saying, "Look! I found it!" Either way, it's a win-win situation.

If that doesn't work, it's time to talk to your teacher. I know it's fifth-grade code not to tattle, but this isn't telling tales. This is about righting a wrong, and stealing, even if it's done as a prank, is wrong. Let your teacher handle the situation. Your only job is to make sure your classmates know you aren't trying to get anybody in trouble; you just feel very responsible for that book.

You mentioned that your favorite pen is missing, too. (I feel your pain because I get attached to my pens, too. It's a writer thing). It could be coincidence. It could be that you're in an absent-minded phase right now. Or it COULD be that someone is messing with your head (trying to get you stressed out, in other words) If that's the case, it's bullying and it needs to be handled carefully. A bully tries to take away your power to be yourself. When you're all upset because your possessions keep disappearing, you can't be your best self. Nobody can! So, without saying anything to anyone else yet, think carefully about whether anyone has been mean to you on a regular basis, seems to make it his or her business to cause trouble for you. That might be the person who has lifted your things. It might not be. Unless you have real proof, it's pointless to confront that person. But you can take back the power to be yourself. Make it clear to everyone in your class (without whining) that you don't like having things taken from you, and then go on being your best self. Don't let the bully win. If that person is mean to your face simply say, "Oh, come on. You're better than that." What's she going to say, "No, I am not better than that!"

For more help with bullies, you can read GIRL POLITICS: FRIENDS, CLIQUES, AND REALLY MEAN CHICKS. In fact,if you would like to have me send you a copy as a gift, along with your bracelet, I would love to do that. Show this email to your mom and she will give me your maiing address. I always advise my readers not to give anyone a mailing address or other personal information without a parent's permission.

I'll be praying for you, Kelly, as I hope you'll pray for whoever is responsible for the loss of your belongings -- as well as its quick recovery. I know you'll set an example of honesty and integrity in handling this.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

Dear Nancy,

My 2 best friends don't get along with each other. Every time I hang out with one of them the other gets jealous. What should I do?

Friend Trouble

Dear Friend Trouble,

Don't you just hate it when that happens? Most of the time it's because girls are afraid they're going to lose a friend and they don't realize you can have more than one friend at a time! There are always reasons for that, which you don't have to understand in order to solve the problem. But do start by praying that your friends can be healed from whatever hurt in their lives is making them insecure about you.

Now, what to do about the situation. Here's what I suggest:

(1) Make it very clear to all your friends, in a gentle, loving way, that you're crazy about all of them and you aren't going to dump anyone. You're friends for keeps. You might even give each of your friends a small token of your love for them -- a friendship bracelet or a homemade bookmark. When I send your FaithGirlz bracelet, I can send enough for your buddies, too, if you think that would help.

(2) Be honest about what you're doing with whom. If you're spending the night with Ashley, don't sneak around. Tell Brittany that's where you're going, and suggest that the two of you watch a movie at your house the next day. That way all your friends can see that they're getting equal time and that you can have fun with all of them.

(3) The best possible solution is to get everybody together, having a good time as a group. That doesn't always work out, but try it, even if you've attempted it before and it was a disaster. Lay some ground rules this time. No whispering. No pouting. No meanness. Plan something fun and keep the focus on that. Make it a short event (not a sleepover!) Then ask everybody if they had a good time and what would make it more fun next time, things like that. Keep the issues out in the open, so insecure friends can see that most problems can be solved without girl drama. One of the keys to the success of this is to have an even number of girls. Three is a recipe for trouble.

(4) Under no circumstances put down one friend to another. Unless you do have a total BFF, don't swear to one that you like her better than the others. And definitely don't do the same with them!

(5) Finally, be REALLY careful that you aren't enjoying having your friends fight over you. It happens. It's human to bask in so much admiration. If you have to admit that it's true, don't beat yourself up. Just go to God with it. Ask for forgiveness and guidance, and God'll totally be there. This will really help if you happen to be unconsciously acting in a way that keeps your friends doing battle for your attention.

I'll be praying for you, "Friend Trouble." Have your mom send me your mailing address from her email account along with how many FaithGirlz bracelets you want for your friends. Your letter and this reply will appear on my website in the next few weeks.

Blessings,

Nancy Rue

“Dear Nancy:

I have a friend with a really cool personality, but she copies me ALL the time. It gets on my nerves! My mom says it’s because she looks up to me, but I hate it!

    Please Help!”

Dear Please Help:

Your mom is right.  Your friend does look up to you, so much that she wants to BE you! That’s probably because she isn’t sure that who SHE is is okay. That’s where you can come in if you really want to show her some God-style love.

• Start by complimenting her on everything she does that’s different from you – even if it’s just the color of her ponytail holder
• Make a list for yourself of all the things you like about that really cool personality you described – especially the ones that are the opposite of you.  Point them out to her when you can
• One day gather a bunch of magazines, two pieces of poster board, and some glue. Each of you, separately, tear out about twenty pictures that you simply like, paste them to your poster boards in collage form, and then compare them. Celebrate with her how different you two are and yet how much you like each other.

Once you show her that you appreciate her for who SHE is, she’ll be more comfortable being that. She may still want to do a lot of things like you do, but isn’t that okay? You know you’re an original, and so does everybody else.

For more help with friend issues, read GIRL POLITICS: FRIENDS, CLIQUES, AND REALLY MEAN CHICKS

“Dear Mrs. Rue : I’m feeling a lot of pressure to cheat in school, and I don’t have any real friends I can talk to about it. Please help before I cheat my way through sixth grade.

        Pressured”

Dear Pressured,

You would be surprised how many letters I get about cheating. A lot of people are doing it or are tempted to do it and yet nobody really wants to! I also get the feeling it isn’t because you don’t study. It’s more like you (or someone else) expects you to get perfect grades in every subject. How to get past that?

• remember that nobody is perfect at everything – nobody – not even the biggest brain child in your class
• if someone, like a parent, is pushing you to BE perfect, talk to that person about how pressured you feel; maybe you only THINK they want the impossible from you
• get some help in subjects you’re having trouble with; what about that brain child as a tutor ?
• if you get way nervous before a test, take some big ol honkin’ deep breaths, remember that God is right there with you, and then do your best – and don’t forget:  NOBODY IS PERFECT!
• if you still feel like you have to look on somebody else’s paper, tell a grown-up who can help you – before you get caught in the act. People really do want to help        

    For more help with things like cheating, read VALUES AND VIRTUES: IT'S A GOD THING

And for LOTS of advice from Nancy, get ready for DEAR NANCY, a book FULL of answers to letters from girlz like you.

ONLY 7 MONTHS TO WAIT!